Since I live in Central Massachusetts, there are about five Dunkin’ Donuts locations on every street near me. According to http://dunkindonuts.com and their Store Locator, there are over 20 locations within 10 miles of my house. I like their coffee, but they’re not the most environmentally conscious company, nor do they have the most environmentally conscious customers. In fact, many of their customers enjoy Being Awful.
I first started noticing this trend when I was in high school. About halfway through my time there, a Dunkin’ Donuts opened up in town, and suddenly the best thing to do before high school was to go to Dunkin’ Donuts and get an iced coffee.
It started to really infuriate me when I would walk down the hall to my locker, and I’d pass about a dozen girls all holding iced coffees inside styrofoam cups, as if it was the coolest freaking thing ever. They looked sorta like this:
But don’t let that image trick you into thinking that Being Awful is limited to girls who got to go to high school with me–just the other day I saw three police officers banded together with styrofoam cups outside their iced coffees. See?
Why does spell-check keep on telling me to capitalize ‘styrofoam?’ It’s so Awful it doesn’t deserve a capital letter! I guess it’s a proper noun somehow, but who cares?!
Why is styrofoam bad?
Instead of boring you (and me) with science or whatever, I’ve composed my own list of why I think styrofoam is bad.
1. Every pore of styrofoam is equal to a thousand tears.
2. Styrofoam separates children from loving mothers.
3. Styrofoam kills butterflies.
Styrofoam would have killed the butterfly as a caterpillar, but gets greater joy from destroying more beauty.
4. At night, styrofoam burns your house down with fire and laughs.
5. Dementors eat styrofoam, and it makes them sick!
6. Styrofoam is mean to the earth.
7. Styrofoam doesn’t like muffins.
I think it’s bad enough that Dunkin’ Donuts sells actual drinks inside styrofoam cups, so seeing people get extra styrofoam because they want to avoid getting a few drops of water on their hand or because they want to look stupid is almost too much for me to wrap my head around. I’m actually operating under the assumption that anyone who gets a styrofoam cup with their iced coffee is trying to look like an idiot, because I’d like to believe that no human is so awful that they think avoiding getting their hand wet should be a higher priority than not trying to kill the environment. I guess another reason someone might get a styrofoam cup is to not get their hands cold, and all I have to say to that is get a freaking pair of gloves.
Because I have a lot of faith in humanity, and really just believe there are awful things but no awful people, I thought it would be beneficial if I explained some Awesome And Acceptable ways to hold an iced coffee. I came up with 7 ways, but I’m sure there are more. Here they are conveniently explained for you with words and pictures:
How to Hold An Iced Coffee Without Looking Stupid Or Being Awful
1. With your head.
2. With your hands.
3. With your hands and your body.
4. Cradled in a hat like a cute little iced iced baby.
5. With your knees.
6. With your hands like this.
7. With your hands like this.
I’m saying ‘You’re Welcome’ in advance to anyone who was previously unsure what the best way to hold an iced coffee was. Here are 7 best ways. You are totally welcome. I hope this was informative for everyone reading, and remember, styrofoam is bad guys!
Thought of other ways to hold iced coffees? Discuss them here or email me!
Wait, hold on. What is that fantastic font that you defaced the teenager and policeman with?
You know what, just delete all these comments. That’s just Arial Black and I feel dumb. I was distracted by that surprisingly cool C. I apologize to you and type enthusiasts all over the world.
Haha yes, just Arial Black!